In a setting as drenched in blood as the Warhammer 40k setting is, you don’t expect a lot of humor. Then you realize that the company is based out of the same country that brought out Monty Python and Benny Hill, and you might say something like “ah, that explains it”.
Ciaphas Cain: Hero of the Imperium is not just one book, but an omnibus of the first three novels featuring the reluctant hero. It also has three short stories before each full novel that gives a hint of what’s in-store in that next book. It should be noted here that all of the stories are told in the first person (I went here, I did this, etc), with some additional notes by the Inquisitor that Cain meets in “For the Emperor”.
In the Warhammer 40k setting, commissars are strict disciplinarians. They lead from the front, showing no fear, and executing any that show cowardice or don’t do what they’re ordered to. They worship the Emperor and hold Him more dear than their own lives. Therefore, when a novel came out that shows one particular commissar in a rather dubious light, I really sat up and took notice.
The short story “Fight or Flight” gives us a quick introduction to Commissar Cain as the newly appointed officer to the Valhallan 12th Field Artillery, fresh out of commissar school, as they finish wiping out some orks, and then are suddenly surprised by tyranids. The bugs attack, and we are given insight into Cain as he tries (unsuccessfully) to flee. However, we also see how he manages to turn the situation around, as it would appear he puts his own life on the line to save Jurgan, a likeable person steadfast in his duty to the Emperor, but whose personal issues (which are detailed with evident relish) eventually cause him to be assigned to Cain as his aide.
“For the Emperor” takes place years later, when Cain is assigned to a new Valhallan Infantry division. And Division is a rather apt name. After facing hideous losses on Corania, the Valhallan 296th and 301st were amalgamated into one, but were now called the Valhallan 296/301. Needless to say, this causes a bit of friction, especially when you consider that the 301 is an all female unit, and the 296 is an all male unit. Shortly after Cain’s arrival to the transport ship, there is a rather large and brutal melee in the mess hall, and after all is said and done, the 597th is formed (296 plus 301).
The new division’s first assignment is to a planet called Gravalax, where the reader is introduced to the race known as tau. I can’t/won’t go into much more, as it would spoil a good bit of the surprise towards the end, but we do find something out about Jurgen, his aide.
As I previously stated, the majority of the authors are British, and Sandy Mitchell (really Alex Stewart) is no exception, with the characteristic dry humor. One of the funniest descriptions in this first book is when he’s talking about the marching band: “…and the band thumping and parping away at If I Should Forget Thee, O Terra as though they had a grudge against the composer.”
A little bit later, Cain and a friend had been drinking the local liquor. “...and I glanced around while Divas communed loudly with the Emperor in a convenient gutter.”
In “Echoes of the Tomb”, the second short story, Cain (and the reader) is given his first introduction to the necrons, and takes place before his stint with the Valhallan 597th. Soulless beings of metal, these creatures can reform and repair themselves much like the liquid metal Terminator from the movie “Judgment Day”. It also shows the single-mindedness of the tech-priests. Devotees of the Martian technological equivalent of the Emperor, most tech-priests willingly undergo augmentic surgery to replace their ‘meat parts’ with metal equivalents. This also is a foreshadowing for the second novel in the omnibus, “Caves of Ice”.
Fresh off of the deployment to Gravalax, the Valhallan 597th is sent to the ice world of Simia Orichalcae. As you can imagine, an infantry regiment going to an ice world is rather a cause for celebration amongst the troops, a fact that is shown when Cain is forced a couple of times to break up snowball fights.
This deployment is about defending a promethium refinery from rampaging orks. Promethium is the fuel that drives the Imperium…literally. Infact, one of the edits that Inquisitor Vail provides is an informational pamphlet for the newcomer about the wonders of promethium. Inquisitor Vail also provides a transcript of one of the meetings, which shows still more of the dry British humor: “Colonel Kasteen called the meeting to order. Then she called it to order again. Major Brocklaw fired his bolt pistol into the ceiling, and the meeting came to order.”
As the orks are advancing from halfway across the planet, it is revealed that several miners have gone missing. Cain suspects that the orks might have found another way in and decides it’s vitally important to investigate the mines (not really, this is just his way of avoiding a sure fight on the surface). In the deep mines, they discover that this is also a necron tomb-world, and the need to seal the mines from the deep menace is paramount.
The third and final short story, “The Beguiling”, is Cain’s first introduction to the forces and followers of Chaos, especially Slaanesh, the Prince of Pleasure. To a true follower of Slaanesh, any sensation is the epitome of pleasure. A noise, a smell, someone cutting off your hand…all is ecstatic, almost orgasmic pleasure. Again, this short story features Cain and his aide Jurgan, who by now you all now has a special talent.
In “The Traitor’s Hand”, the forces of Chaos have been making raids through a couple planetary systems and for some reason, unknown at this time, the warp currents in the area are all heading in one direction. Taking place on a planet that has no rotation, Adumbria Prime, the Valhallans are given the defense of the “cold side”, while a regiment from Tallarn, a desert world, are given the defense of the “hot side”. From the opening pages of the novel, it’s obvious there’s no love lost between these two regiments, and it carries over a bit to the Lord General in charge of this operation. In fact, later in the book, the Lord General Zyvan tells the Tallarn colonel off a bit, and this is the descriptive of the after-effects: “The implied rebuke to Asmar was about as subtle as an ork breaking wind, and the Tallarn colonel’s face coloured slightly.” Gotta love that British humor.
At one point, Cain was riding in an elevator, and the way it’s described made me laugh out loud: “After about thirty seconds of tedium, made even worse by a scratchy recording of Death to the Deviant apparently performed by tone-deaf ratlings with nose flutes…”
Chaos being…well…chaotic, there’s no apparent rhyme or reason to the attacks as the invading forces arrive. It’s only after much investigation and some hindsight that Cain is able to pick up on what the goals are in this invasion: I can’t tell you…haha! That would spoil it. However, I will say that someone that Cain met in “The Beguiling” makes another, slightly different, appearance.
All in all, this is a huge book, but well worth the price and the time it takes to read it. The “editorial notes” by the Inquisitor put give a decent description to a reader unfamiliar with the setting, as do the novels themselves. In fact, I’d say that this would be a great book for the beginning Warhammer 40k reader, as it gives good descriptions of pretty much anything, including the equipment used by the Imperial Guard. And, as a bonus, it’s nowhere near as bloody as the majority of the other books in the setting.
The Commissar Cain books have been a favorite of mine for some time now, and I’m glad I went through the omnibus again for this review.
My rating: 9 feathers out of 10.
